#247: Sarcastic Christmas Letter

The Year of Internal Parasites

Alternative title: Hey kids! Travel is ever so fun!

January

Went to China (cold) and Indonesia (hot). Walked the Great Wall of China in the snow, and accidentally trapped CJ in a windowless Indonesian toilet. Oh, and we got horribly ill – also in Indonesia.

February

Still sick, especially in the morning. Lost two kilos through sheer force of will. Took three pregnancy tests (all negative). Found out about a pregnancy – not mine, silly – my sister. But hey, *I* have a cat.

March

Told I had giardia. Decided it was totally just as cool as bringing a new (human) life into the world. Took medicine. Got worse. Stopped taking medicine. Annoyed at constant pointless nausea, I decided to “earn” the nausea with chocolate. Gained six kilos.

This pic is from wikipedia.

April

Blog of Daily Awesomeness got off the ground. Discovered I’m now allergic to fruit. Thanks, Indonesia! Less nauseous now, so faced the pain and lost three kilos.

May

Bought fish. Fish died due to parasites (theirs, not mine). Bought more fish. Fish didn’t die. Yay! Also, lost one kilo.

This pic is from wikipedia.

June

Went to Sydney for CJ’s cousin’s wedding. Disappointed no-one fell in the water. Otherwise good. Met a married couple related to us called Barry and Sharon (which, translated into Australian, is Bazza and Shazza). Gained and lost two kilos.

July

Went to Sydney for a writer’s conference. Chatted to Publishers B, D, and H. Realised contacts in the biz are the key to publication. Was asked if I was pregnant. Also went down the coast with family including my sister, who at six months didn’t look as pregnant as I did. My nephew ran away (can’t imagine why), but we knew another was on the way, so were not concerned. Lost one more freaking kilo, and reached the healthy weight range! Ta da!

August

CJ was promoted at work. I spent all the extra money on writing conferences.

Went to Sydney for my grandpa’s 90th. Went to Melbourne for massive writing festival. Connected with Publishers A, C, D, I and K. Discovered getting up at 3am to fly interstate doesn’t increase my publisher-schmoozing skills. Or healthy-eating skills.

September

Went to Brisbane for writing festival. Connected with Publishers D and J. Specifically, I woke up in Melbourne at 3am and showered, then went to Brisbane, Sydney and Canberra before my next shower (the cats found me utterly fascinating). Gained ten kilos from all the writing conferences. Another person asked if I was pregnant. Nope – just fat, nauseous, and irritable.

October

Publisher B let me know my books were “progressing”. After 18 months, this was thrilling news. My sister had her internal parasite removed (aww). Mine stayed (ohh).

November

Finished up six weeks without chocolate. Lost seven kilos, and the will to live. But we’ll always have the (accidental) diet coke and mentos rocket.

December

Gained three kilos. Lost six by inventing the anti-Christmas diet (hint: it doesn’t involve overeating). Was still asked if I was pregnant – immediately after losing seven freaking kilos. Still got no answer from Publisher B.

On the up side, my whole family plus the newest member ate Christmas dinner together for the first time.

Merry Freaking Christmas.  Good to know that I didn’t get any less published than last year, and that I lost a total of (wait for it) three kilos in twelve months.

But I did scrape back into the healthy weight range for the finish; CJ and I still like each other (and contraceptives, thanks very much for asking); and I met eight major players of Australian publishing face to face.

Here’s to next year. May it be awesome.

Published by Felicity Banks

I write books (mainly adventure fantasy for kids and young adults), real-time twittertales, and a blog of Daily Awesomeness. @Louise_Curtis_ and http://twittertales.wordpress.com. My fantasy ebook is on sale at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/278981.

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