Pirate How-To Guide

Can you believe the pirate flashmob is happening THIS Saturday? (FYI: At Lyneham shops outside Tillies and the second-hand bookshop, 2:00-2:30pm. Free family event.)

My father-in-law was just panicking over lunch about what he was going to wear (not a conversation we have every day).

I will be bringing a stack of home-made eyepatches, so if you’re desperate – don’t worry. Just show up and find me (175cm with long brown hair and an ankle-length red or green skirt with black-and-white striped socks, plus a black corset with bare shoulders and a lacy green wrap). I will be there from around 1:00pm with a handful of my most faithful minions.

Otherwise, my personal recommendations include:

-bandanna (made out of almost any square of material).

-hat (can be made from any soft black rimmed hat by pinning the rim to the crown in three places – it makes a 3-cornered hat).

-Almost any very very old clothes

-fake scars/beard (mascara makes the best beard – trust me I know).

-anything with a pirate logo on.

-plastic cutlasses and other piratical supplies can be found at almost any toy or costume shop (eg “The Funny Shop”).

I’ll add (and accept) more suggestions as we go!


Speaking of which, here be some more blogs for ye:

NOTE: as far as I know, these are G-rated blogs. But I don’t know much, so enter at your own risk. This lot is mostly agents and publishers.



This is someone I know in the real world. She’s just as interesting here as there.


an agent, bravely using his real (presumably) name online. VERY good articles for writers.



VERY funny







Published by Felicity Banks Books

I write books (mainly adventure fantasy for kids and young adults), real-time twittertales, and a blog of Daily Awesomeness. @Louise_Curtis_ and http://twittertales.wordpress.com. My fantasy ebook is on sale at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/278981.

5 thoughts on “Pirate How-To Guide

  1. Dear Madam,

    I am deeply concerned that your intended flash mob intended for the coming Saturday 1 August 2009 will be actively uncontributing to global warming.

    It has been irrefutably demonstrated by those following the Pastafarian belief system that that “global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s.

    I refer you to the following article on Wikipedia and home-page of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster:
    Can you please advise what carbon addition measures you will be taking to ensure that this temporary increase in the presence of pirates will not result in a significant drop in global temperatures.

    Yours faithfully

  2. We’ll be farting. A lot.

    I am shocked that any member of the public would believe I hadn’t made responsible preparations.

  3. That is fine except according to the online Encyclopaedia Britannica rectal flatus only contains between 10 to 30% carbon dioxide and I am sure this is not enough in terms of positive carbon contributions to make up for a high density concentration of pirates in a single location:

    The movement of gas through the intestines produces the gurgling sounds known as borborygmi. In the resting state there are usually about 200 ml of gas in the gastrointestinal tract. Its composition varies: between 20 and 90 percent is nitrogen, up to 10 percent is oxygen, up to 50 percent is hydrogen, up to 10 percent is methane, and between 10 and 30 percent is carbon dioxide. Most of the air that people swallow, while talking and eating in particular, is either regurgitated (as in belching) or absorbed in the stomach. Anxiety or eating quickly induces frequent swallowing of air with consequent belching or increased rectal flatus. Although some of the carbon dioxide in the small intestine is due to the interaction of hydrogen ions of gastric acid with bicarbonate, some is generated in the jejunum by the degradation of dietary triglycerides to fatty acids. High levels of carbon dioxide in rectal flatus reflect bacterial activity in the colon. Methane cannot be produced by any cell and is entirely the result of bacteria’s acting on fermentable dietary residues in the colon, although there appears to be a familial factor involved in this, as not everyone can generate methane. In the colon bacterial production of hydrogen is markedly elevated when the diet contains an excess of vegetable saccharides. This is particularly noticeable after consuming beans, for example. Gas is more often responsible for the buoyancy of stools than is excessive residual fat in malabsorption states.
    The gradient between the partial pressures (or the pressure exerted by each gas in a mixture of gases) of particular gases in the intestinal lumen and the partial pressures of gases in the circulating blood determines the direction of movement of gases. Thus, because oxygen tends to be in low pressure in the colon, it diffuses out from the blood into the intestine. The diffusion of nitrogen from the blood into the intestine occurs because a gradient is established by the carbon dioxide, methane, and hydrogen that result from metabolic activities of the commensal bacteria; the partial pressure contributed by nitrogen in the colon is lowered, stimulating nitrogen to enter the intestine from the blood. In areas where lactase, the enzyme that breaks down lactose (milk sugar), is missing from the group of disaccharidases of the small intestine, lactose passes into the colon undigested. In a lactase-deficient person, the unhydrolyzed lactose enters the colon, where the amount of lactose normally present in a glass of milk is capable of liberating, after bacterial fermentation, the equivalent of two to four cups (500–1,000 ml) of gas (hydrogen). About 15 percent of the gas diffuses back into the blood, with the rest passing as flatus.
    Hydrogen generated in the colon is partly absorbed, passes in the circulating blood to the lungs, and diffuses into the respiratory passages, where its presence can be easily determined. The time taken for hydrogen to appear in the breath after ingestion of a standard load of glucose or lactose is used to determine whether the upper area of the gastrointestinal tract is colonized by bacteria. Hydrogen that appears within 30 minutes of the ingestion of the sugar load suggests heavy colonization of the small intestine.

  4. Who ARE you?

    Clearly I’ll be needing your abundant supplies of hot air during the flashmob.

  5. Canberra being the centre of the known universe is known for politicians capable of generating a lot of hot air and nothing else… Perhaps you could rope in politicians instead…

    I’m sure you’d be able to enlist the Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Pirate Economy if you haven’t left your run too late.

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