1.
A friend got me the job – $90 an hour, starting the day after he left on holiday. Seemed a lot of cash to work for the local tourism office.
*
The boss looked at me silently for an hour. “Can you swim?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Can you run?”
“Yes.”
“How long can you hold your breath?”
*
I said, “So, you want me to get attacked by a crocodile?”
“That’s right.”
“For. . . tourism?”
He said, “Works every time.”
I said, “Okay.”
2.
It was a pretty spot, with a handful of limp eucalyptus and the babble of the stream keeping me company. Crocs watched me without blinking.
*
I hooked up a high-tension cable primed to spring the instant I released my grip. Then I put on my wetsuit and jumped in. Nothing happened.
*
Forgot to put the video recorder on! I backed up slowly and realised the sun had cooked its battery. So I SMSed for more. Stupid crocs.
3.
Take two. Camera on this time. I kept a firm hold on the cable release button and went deeper. The crocs didn’t move. Why won’t they eat me?
*
It occurred to me that I actually didn’t want to lose a leg, and then – WHAM! Huge jaws clamped on my foot and SPROING! I flew into the air.
*
The crocodile swung in wild cartwheels with me, like a dog with a toy. We both flew over the campsite and landed sprawling in two trees.
4.
Pretty sure being stuck in a tree next to a croc (also stuck) was tourism gold. Too bad my leg was broken and I couldn’t get to the cameras.
*
A pigtailed girl examined me. She said, “Whatcha doin?”
“I’m stuck, and I need help.”
She shrugged, and went to the water.
“No!” I yelled.
*
The girl’s parents hustled her away, but promised to come back real soon. I saw the dust as they drove away. My crocodile yawped at me.
5.
Thirsty. Leg hurt. Croc looked angrier. The little girl’s parents took a video of me and it before fleeing. At least I know I’m on Youtube.
*
An aboriginal man yelled, “Watcha doin?” until I woke up.
“Help me,” I said.
Then a croc spotted him and ran across the mud to kill him.
*
My new friend is Will: “So, you didn’t think to mention the crocs around here?”
“Sorry.”
Will shrugged it off, shaking our whole tree.
6.
Will’s crocodile guard finally left, so Will went to fetch – something. It turned out to be another camera. Hilarious.
*
The RSPCA arrived before the medical team. They cut down the tree and my croc vanished underwater without sparing me a farewell glance.
*
Morphine! Yes! Besht medicine ever. My leg’s not even broken anymore – I’m sure of it. Can I have a crocodile for a pet? Pleeeeasse?
7.
The boss gave me a cheque, minus expenses. “Well done,” he said.
I shrugged.
He lifted one eyebrow. “Have you ever fought an emu?”