I have a godfather (who, as far as I know, doesn’t own a gun or make unrefuseable offers). And a godmother (who, as far as I know, isn’t a fairy). They’re like a spare set of parents, but (since I don’t see them nearly as often) way nicer. (Both sets of parents are cringing now.)
My godparents live in Sydney, so whenever CJ and I are up there (which is often; I know many people who pop over to Sydney for the day on a regular basis – often to go shopping, ugh) we visit them for a meal. It’s always fun, because you never know who else will be there. They have three children (two of whom aren’t at home), a series of boarders, and an infinity of friends.
This time, my godfather had a tale to tell. His oldest daughter (that’s her in the above photo) is married and living in Guatemala. Her father cunningly timed his visit to coincide with:
a) a major volcanic eruption thirty kilometres away (we saw pictures of their yard covered in ankle-deep ash – apparently the in-laws had dinner to the tune of massive explosions).
b) a hurricane that stranded him for several days due to flooding.
c) a bizarro sinkhole two streets from my godsister’s work.
Play along at home: Visit an obscure relative (or pick godparents for your children). Try to avoid major natural disasters.
“Vampire Diaries” so far:
Woke up totally gross. Had a shower then realised I’m, like, a vampire now. My friend Sammy’s gonna be SO jealous!
Spent all day looking for a mirror that works. This sucks! Also I feel super hungry, and I get the feeling celery won’t fix this craving.
Killed a guy. He was, like, totally delicious!
Killed an old lady. Yuck, now my breath smells of mothballs.
Called Sammy. Said I’m totally a vampire.
She giggled, “You mean a vamp, right?”
“No! Well. . . that too.”
Sammy brought her new boyfriend over. SERIOUSLY yum. I know it seems rude to eat him, but I’m, like, evil now. He was finger-licking good.
Sammy had a totally unfair tantrum over me eating Bill. “I’m going to tell on you!” she said.
I said, “Who to? I’d sure love to eat a cop.”
Went outside. Got serious sunburn – like, with charring. I’m so buying spray tans from now on.
Sammy left a message on my machine. “My new friend Bunny’s totally going to get you. AND I have a new boyfriend, anyway. So there.”
Too embarrassed to go out with my skin looking so bad. Put off eating Sammy’s hot new treat until tomorrow.
Misty day. Went to Sammy’s house. The boyfriend was there, and BIG. They fought me off with frypans and a cricket bat. Stupid humans!
Hungry. Soooooo hungry. Almost as bad as doing the Atkins diet all over again. Stupid sun is out!
Ate Rover. Feel sick to my stomach, but I think that’s indigestion. Bad dog.
Short blonde at the door. My stomach rumbled. “Won’t you come in?” She smiled sweetly, and showed me what she had. A pointy stick.
I asked, “What’s that for? Making a tiny fence?”
She smiled, “I’m Bunny. I hear you don’t like sunshine.”
“But I do like visitors.”
I leapt for her throat. She slapped me aside, laughing. I grabbed for her pointy stick and she drove it into my belly. Ow! I ran.
Great. Now I’m stuck in a sewer hiding from someone called Bunny. I’m totally hungry, and my top is RUINED.
So hungry for so long, and no weight loss. That’s IT. I’m going to kill Bunny. And Sammy. And her big cricketer boyfriend.
I creep to Sammy’s house and Bunny is there. They’re sharpening weapons and laughing. I feel scared. Luckily, Sammy has a dog. Had.
I realise now that hiding in Sammy’s treehouse wasn’t a good idea. Sammy and whatsisface are climbing the ladder – and the sun’s out.
I kick the boy in the face and he flies backwards. Sammy screams, but no one hears. He doesn’t get up. I drag Sammy inside by the hair.
Sammy punches me right where Bunny stabbed me – and it doesn’t hurt a bit. I knock her out against the trunk and drink deeply. She’s spicy.
I wake up when my little finger catches fire from a hole in the treehouse roof. Sammy and her boy are glaring at me – alive. And Bunny. Oh.
“We drugged you,” says Bunny, “so you’ll tell us who made you a vamp.”
“Hollywood?” I slur.
Bunny rolls her eyes: “VampIRE.”
“Oh! I dunno.”
Bunny says, “Male? Female?”
“I didn’t see.”
She paces: “Where were you that night?”
“Um. . . at a club.”
“Right. Tomorrow we’ll go there.”
Bunny and Sammy leave my hands tied for our trip downtown to hunt my sire. The club is all flashing lights and skin. Hungry!
I spot my sire by smell – and by the fact that he’s flirting with a particularly delicious-looking redhead. Bunny sees where I’m looking.
“Mort!” I yell, “watch out!”
His head snaps up. Bunny shoves me aside and I run for it, hoping Mort gets away. He’s seriously hot.
I discovered I could find Mort by smell. Cool (and a bit gross.) He was in a really dorky lair with a bunch of others. “Hi again,” I said.
“Did I sire you?” said Mort.
I said, “Yep.”
“Was I really drunk?”
“Well – yes. Is your name really Mort?”
“Uh huh. Definitely not Bill.”
“I suppose you have questions about all this,” said Bill/Mort.
I said, “Oh! So many. First, what are vampires wearing this season?”
These other vampires don’t understand what being a vampire is all about: looking this good forever. And killing, of course (I suppose.)
That reminds me, I could do with a snack. If I can’t lose weight, I can’t gain it either. This vampire thing is to die for!
Ate a schoolkid on their way home. Feel MUCH better now, thank you. Even if some of the kid got stuck in my teeth. HOW embarrassing!
I still gotta kill Sammy and Bunny and whatsisface. It should be easy now they don’t have a dog. Not that Fifi was the guard dog type.
Sammy’s neighbour’s at home. I knock at the door and she opens it. “Myf?” I say.
She says, “Oh hello dear. Won’t you come in?”
My new hideout is a little floral, but I like it. Sammy and Bunny never separate, but whatsisface comes and goes.
The bigger they are, the more blood for me to drink. Right? Right!
Unfortunately, Myf didn’t keep any decent weapons. Just cats.
Pretty sure throwing cats at whatsisface won’t kill him. I gotta be smart. Gotta think of a good plan. The kind that doesn’t get me killed.
Screw plans. Sick of an all-cat diet, I followed whatsisface until he was out of sight of Sammy’s house. Then I grabbed him from behind.
He threw me into a rose bush, but wasn’t smart enough to run away. I bounded out fangs first and got him. He struggled, but passed out.
Mort appeared. “If you were trying to turn him undead, you should have fed him some of your blood.”
“Oh. So turning him over won’t work?”
Time to party! I go out clubbing, and since I’m thirsty I drink about ten cocktails. Still thirsty, and now I’m wobbly too.
No wonder I’m shrunk. Drunk. I haven’t eaten all day. Shilly me. I let a boy take me out back jusht as Bunny and Sammy come in.
Is it jusht me, or do boys taste better than girls? I’m sure I’d be shober now if my victim wasn’t drunker than me. I stagger home.
No hangover. Being undead is the best! I peek out the window, but don’t see Sammy or Bunny. Do they know I killed whatsisface?
The door smashes into a million pieces. Bunny strides in.
Oh. They know. Time to run again.
Sammy and Bunny are never apart, and this stupid tree is scratching my patent leather jacket. Luckily I have an idea. And a printer.
Sammy gets the mail while Bunny lurks in the doorway. I see The Look on Sammy’s face and know my bait is working.
All the piece of paper says is, “9pm Sale tomorrow at Ladies’ Wear. Everything 90% off.”
Sammy snuck away from Bunny and I trailed her all the way to the mall. I’d already broken inside and turned the lights on, so she walked in.
“Did you hear about the sale too? Where is everyone?”
I roll my eyes and lunge for her throat.
She squeals, but it’s no use.
“Thanks for not drugging me this time,” I say, and feed her my blood.
She passes out, so I amuse myself shopping at 100% off while I wait.
Sammy wakes up. Finally. I had to kill another neighbour so we had some place to stay. “Hungry?” I ask.
“How about Bunny?”
“Darn,” Sammy says at her own door.
Bunny asks what’s wrong.
“My key doesn’t seem to work.”
Bunny lets her in – and then pulls out a stake.
Bunny stabs Sammy in the heart and she falls to bits – literally.
“No!” I scream, but I can’t get in without an invitation.
I’m so totally bummed I eat Myf’s last cat. In the mall, I remember old times by eating a cute security guard. But I don’t feel better.
OK, I’m done moping. Bunny may have killed my best friend, but technically I killed her first. I’m going to start somewhere new: New York.
Being a fashion victim is serious now. I’ve switched from being the fashion police to being a fashion vigilante. Because some deserve death.
There’s a girl at the train station wearing a simply hideous jumper – so I drink her blood, and take her ticket. Life is good.
New York New York! So many people! Big, small, fat, thin. I can hear their blood pumping – singing to me. I shall never go hungry again.