Last weekend CJ and I went and saw “This Means War” (starring the girl from “Legally Blonde” as the Ordinary Girl, the guy from the latest “Star Trek” as the Rich Over-Confident Man Who Treats Women Badly, and the guy from various stuff as the Single Father Who Until Five Seconds Ago Was Trying To Get Back With His Incredibly Hot And Polite But Dismissive Ex.
It’s billed as “Spy versus spy” – two guys fall for the same girl and each tries to win her (they’re both spies, and best friends). It was stupid (obviously) but it was a reasonably well-written rom-com with a strong bromance and some action. Most importantly, CJ and I laughed plenty of times, and went home happy.
Also, it was educational. Here’s some of the lessons we learned (mild spoilers shall occur, but if you can’t figure out every detail of the ending from the above, then you’ve probably never seen a film before).
1. The best way to find the perfect guy online is to have your best friend write a wildly fictionalised and frankly bizarre profile for you on a dating site. (Also to look like Cameron Reese-Witherspoon. That might help.)
2. The best way to get back with your utterly uninterested ex-wife is to get blown up a bit on national TV. This is nothing to do with the fact that you hid your real job from her for your entire married life. It’s because you are now cool. Girls like that.
3. Also, the best way to make your son look at you like you’re a man is to beat up someone else’s dad in front of both children. This is what being a good father really means.
4. If you are completely full of yourself, it’s best to let it all out. The woman will tell you clearly in twelve different ways that you are bothering her and she wants you to go away – but at the same time she is secretly telling her best friend that she adores you. If you treat her badly enough, you don’t need anything in common or any attributes whatsoever. The best part is, if you’re lucky enough to have had a family tragedy as a child, you never need to show any kindness, intelligence, respect, or anything – ever. The girl is yours. Guaranteed. This also gives you a free pass to break into her home, film her having sex with other men (having planted bugs in her home when you broke in), record her conversations both at home and elsewhere, track all her movements electronically, record her best friend having sex, and to completely fictionalise everything about yourself including your job, education level, hobbies, likes and dislikes, etc. Girls like that. She is guaranteed to pick you over a sane, attractive man who treats her well and lets her sometimes choose where to go or what to do. But you must remember to ignore everything she says, including, “This is bad. I shouldn’t do this” and, “Get lost. I hate you. I’m going to call the police.”
5. If you can’t choose between two men, you will inevitably have to have sex with both of them. If you don’t have time (or you don’t feel like inadvertently becoming the next home sex video sensation), that’s okay: just pick the one with the most obvious psychological issues. They’re always the best choice.
6. If things aren’t going well with a girl you’re trying to impress, you must show her how good you are at lying. This will solve everything (twice).
7. Finally, never let a major terrorist threat (either national or personal) get in the way of your date. If a major arms dealer follows you to the house of your Completely Normal Girlfriend, at least you don’t have to set up a major network of recording devices in yet another location. (She may get kidnapped and/or blown up: don’t worry, girls totally dig that. Remember to send the terrorist a fruit basket later.)