Keep a (g-rated) dream diary for a week, then (sarcastically)
recreate some of the more interesting incidents as photographs
I’ve been putting this off for a long time, for reasons that will become clear. So here’s a crop of four dreams from a perfectly ordinary week:
1. I was on a family holiday in which U2 was staying next door with various animals (why not?). During the course of the holiday, their elephant herd escaped into our yard. I helped by holding a terrified elephant the size of my hand. Subconscious meaning: I not-so-subconsciously look forward to having a baby (represented by my sister being in the dream, and by the delight with my incredibly tiny elephant).
2. I was pregnant, and CJ and I went together for a routine checkup (one of my more realistic dreams – prophetic even, since it’ll eventually happen). Subconscious meaning: See # 1.
4. CJ and I were at a club, sitting at a large table while a group of footballers, football managers and football media filled the chairs for dinner. One of the footballers grabbed my knee under the table and I was so startled I said nothing. Then a second grabbed my knee. At that point I stood up, and delivered the following diatribe (which I’ve produced verbatim, I’m proud to say):
“My husband is RIGHT HERE, so you must be some kind of idiot. Even if I was attracted to you – which I’m not – I wouldn’t want you groping me. Even if I liked your personality – which I don’t – I wouldn’t want you groping me. So don’t.”
CJ and I then stormed off majestically, leaving a stunned table behind us. I couldn’t help noticing that neither one of us was carrying our bags, and turned to CJ to say so.
“We’ll get them tomorrow,” he said.
“My phone –”
“Tomorrow morning,” he said.
(Thus, we managed to resist spoiling our majestic flouncing.) Subconscious meaning: I dislike idiots, but like yelling at people.
4. Justin Bieber (who worked in an Aussie pizza shop) was my sidekick. Together we fought crime. Subconscious meaning: Shut up.
Tomorrow: Secret # 6 at last!